


Hallow of Heart

by Purple_Shade



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst and Feels, Crushes, Depression, Dysphoria, Eventual Fluff, Internal Conflict, Mages and Templars, Nonbinary Character, One-Sided Attraction, Other, Past Abuse, Self-Discovery, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 16:13:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15911763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purple_Shade/pseuds/Purple_Shade
Summary: Hallow feels out of place, but that part is nothing new. Undead dragons, court politics, and being surrounded by so many people important to them, feeling even a tiny bit safe, those are all new.They're hip deep in trying to save the world it seems an inconvenient time for self discovery and crushes.Then again, time waits for no one, and who knows if they'll survive the final battle. Maybe, just maybe, it's the perfect time for them to chase away the literal and figurative demons, at once!---A young NonBinary circle mage became Inquisitor. Starts shortly after wicked hearts, but before Abyss. Gonna face some fears!





	1. The Path of Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Do you like reading fics with buckets of angst and gender feels? No?? Oops. 
> 
> If you have triggers Please take care, put yourself first!  
> I will try to list warnings at the start of each chapter, let me know if I should add any. 
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: gender dysphoria, dissociation, thoughts on past abuse, past privacy violations 
> 
> I don't want to hurt your brain this is going to get dark and heavy before it gets better.

***  
Night had fallen by the time the party was nearing Skyhold, Hallow was trailing at the rear where they could lean back on their horse and watch the stars. Glitters of silver in the mottled dark purple-blue of the clear sky. They travel best this way, letting Cassandra lead during familiar parts of a trip gave them a chance to think and maybe relax.  
Hallow loved star gazing. It was one of the few pleasures of the natural world which a mage could enjoy from within a tower. Staring up at the vastness of the sky one could almost forget where they were, forget the walls and feel free, adrift in the sky. 

At some point, likely as the unrest in other circle towers had gained attention in politics, they'd stopped letting Mages out of their locked dormitories at night, and Hallow had to content themself in finding other hobbies.  
Since stumbling upon the astrariums their interest had been rekindled, trying to learn more about the constellations than ever before, memorizing all the ones they'd seen marked. It fascinated Hallow that there was a whole history of how people saw the stars, that it changed with each country, each age. Star charts helped to guide people as they journied, and the stories people told of them reflected how they saw the world, how they saw themselves.  
Unbidden, their mind wandered from stars to the things they'd have to deal with when they reached Skyhold. Josephine had a party planned to follow up securing ties they'd made at the winter palace. This wasn't a very appealing thought. Orlesians were very fond of formality, and that seemed to include a lot of gendering things.  
Hallow shuddered at the memory of when they had tried to find out if they could be introduced as 'Serrah' or 'Messere', and were lectured on how uncouth and hopelessly outdated Freemarchers are, and how they must be introduced as either Lady Inquisitor OR Lord. They'd managed to talk the official into using just Inquisitor, but it had been an uphill battle.   
'Uhg, think of something else.'  
Cullen had mentioned going over red templar activities, he'd been cryptic in his missive, but Hallow guessed he'd found Samson's hideout and wanted to act immediately. 

If only they had found it months ago. This was the problem with trying to face off against an undead Magister with an army of monsters; the undead didn't rest, and you were always playing catch up.  
It always felt like too little too late.  
Skyhold's walls were close now, but that also meant going back to a pile of responsibility. Hallow put their head in their hands, feeling overwhelmed.  
In between constant pressure to act gracious while dealing with squabbling nobles, trying to stop whatever malicious plots Corypheus was hatching in the shadows, and whatever other wrenches the world saw fit to throw at them, Hallow was exhausted. 

It did not help that on top of external strife, their mind felt a shambles, and they didn't know how to fix themself. A kind of strain from the perpetual doom hanging over them had made them sleepy all the time.  
Then there was their body, they could hardly touch or think of it without flinching, and no matter how they wrapped themself up people voiced assumptions.  
It had helped at first that most of the inquisition just called them "The Herald" or "The Inquisitor".  
If they were being particularly honest they found being a symbol much easier than being a person. One to one interacting was different, more difficult, because Hallow was never what people expected, and people had oh so many wants and expectations. It did not help then to be the symbol, blamed and praised directly for all the inquisition did. Hallow felt perpetual trepidation, as if about to be slapped in the face or patted on the back, and never knowing which one.  
These were tumultuous times. 

Hallow breathed out a sigh and sat back in the saddle, trying to put their stresses out of mind. Closing their eyes to enjoy the mild breeze and the steady plod of their chestnut mare beneath them.   
Spring was turning to summer, and though the mountains were high enough to always be chilly in nightfall the temperature was cool but pleasant. The scent of flowers was on the wind, and Hallow opened their eyes to see the warm and welcoming lights of Skyhold's bridge just ahead. 

Once the snow had melted the landscape around Skyhold had seemed to transform drastically. Flower meadows had sprung up almost overnight, and during the day everywhere one looked off the battlements there was a rainbow of colours to greet the eye.  
Hallow looked forward to seeing it again tomorrow.  
They had also planned to spend some time on the lower terrace which had turned out to be an orchard. Josephine had mentioned in her last letter that it was in bloom now and Hallow was eager to see for themself, they hadn't seen spring blossoms up close since their childhood. There were deficits to living in a circle tower.  
'There are more when you are considered a troublemaker, and--'  
Hallow shook their head, pushing the past out of mind with an effort of will. Questioning why was their brain so determined to dwell tonight. 

The scout on the wall called out in welcome as the party crossed the bridge, raising the gate. Skyhold's walls acted as a windbreak and inside the air was a few degrees warmer. Nothing compared to the warmth of feeling they were home though. Home, it was a wonderful thought, a wonderful thing to have. Skyhold was that now, more than anywhere else ever had been. 

Hallow guided their mare into the stables and started drying her off to warm her before unbuckling the saddle.  
A sprightly young qunari-- Vashoth, they remembered-- stable hand with long braided white hair, small curved horns and copper skin, skipped up smiling.  
"Did y'have a good trip your Inquisitorialness?"  
Hallow smiled back, finding the informal nickname, and the cheer it was said with both endearing.  
"It went alright. But I'm at the best part of a journey. Coming home."  
The young ostler straightened a bit, looking serious suddenly and held out a hand.  
"My name's Issaban*. It's an honor to help save the world."  
Unsure how to respond, Hallow took their hand and shook it firmly.  
"Then the Inquisition is happy to have you, Issaban."  
The young stable hand smiled broadly, nodded and turned to begin taking off the horses tack while chattering enthusiastically.  
"Me and my big brother, Tiva*, we both joined after you saved the mages. Tiva's a mage, and I'm a maybe. Maybe-mage, I mean. Templars everywhere went worng, batty, and we weren't safe anywhere. Not anywhere, but here."  
Hallow remembered the beginning of the Templar rebellion vividly, and felt a twinge of regret that they couldn't have saved more young Mages, and more young Templars too for that matter.  
"I wish I could have stopped it sooner." They admitted.  
Issaban turned and looked at them with wide eyes.  
"But, there was a hole in the sky! You had so many important things t' do, but you saved us!"  
Hallow wasn't sure what to think of Issaban's enthusiastic praise, so they simply gave them a quick smile, and when the Inquisitor didn't say anything Issaban seemed to take it as a cue to continue talking.  
"I never thought I'd get to help somethin' so important. Better too that you're a girl like me. I thought the Inquisitor was going to be a man, like a king. But Andraste was a woman, so you're like her too. Lady Herald, if you don't mind me saying, I think you're pretty like Andraste was."  
Issaban cast a shy smile their way and Hallow tried to hide it how conflicted they suddenly felt, surpressing urge to cringe away. Even though they appreciated the intention of the compliment, being compared to the most famous woman in all Thedas rankled for several reasons.  
"Truthfully, I'm not nearly as grand as all that."   
Hallow patted their mare's nose and turned to go, trying to fake a light tone. "If you'll excuse me, the baths call. Demon blood really stinks."  
At this Issaban laughed and called out after them happily.  
"Thank you for talking to me, and you have yourself a good night, Ma'm!"  
Hallow tried not to stumble and half turned to wave goodbye, though Issaban was already flitting about the stable at an impressive pace, too busy to see. 

With that last well-meaning word ringing in their ears, Hallow walked away feeling the burst of the tiny bubble of happiness they'd had in coming home. Now that they were out from under the young girls eyes a disquieted feeling rolled over them. Walking up the stairs to the kitchens, they had a sense of slipping down a slope. The kitchens were warm with ever present fires as they cut through to the lower hall, but even right next to the harths Hallow felt cold inside. A wave of anger, followed by disgust at themself; the young Vashoth was just a child, and it's not like she had said anything unusual. Scolding themself for wanting to blame her, they were unable to keep from feeling bitter at the world and themself alike. They did not want to be a Lady, a Ma'm, Hallow was-- Not going to think about this anymore because the thoughts got muddled and it hurt, and also they are too damn tired for this. 

Turning the corner in the lower hall, they headed toward the baths. Of all the hidden wonders in Skyhold, these were truly a marvel. A natural hot-spring had been diverted into both a set of mason-worked stone pools, and up channels within the floors which helped to keep Skyhold warm. Hallow figured it to be one of the reasons Skyhold had been built in this spot in particular. They had a pet hypothesis that the warmth of the earth might be part of what kept Skyhold's spoil supple and fertile year round.  

A set of stone benches at the entrance to the baths served as an unofficial laundry station, clean towels in a folded stack rested on one side, wet towels were draped over the other along with some miscellaneous abandoned gear. Hallow frowned at the mess as they grabbed a towel, then decided not to worry over the forgotten items, the servants employed at Skyhold made regular rounds here.  
They headed toward their favourite part of the baths. Which wasn't a bath at all, but a channel attached to a high-set spout that poured down in a shower. It was built within a small shallow pool of its own to catch the water and drain it to... somewhere, Hallow wasn't sure how it worked. They should ask the Dwarven masons one of these days. 

Undressing was a chore they hated, it brought back memories of the circle. Cold water in a small tub, it could have been heated with magic, but apprenticeship was supposed to be uncomfortable. Grouped as girls and boys, watched over too closely for comfort, a cut or a suspicious bruise meant a check over. Hallow shuddered and tried to think only of the present, they'd learned that the past was greedy, always wanting to gobble today if you let it. Well the past had had its share of time, right now they had warm water waiting and no audience. 

Their coat, wand holsters, and light armor unbuckled smoothly, all well cared for and they smiled down at the oiled metal, and thick wool with the small briar patterns embroidered. These were the nicest clothes they'd ever owned, far higher quality than they'd ever dreamt of, and unique, far from the mage robes they'd once worn day in and out. The leathers and long johns were the next to be peeled off, and it was such a relief to get out of them. Useful as they might be for riding, leather trousers readily got sticky with sweat and dirty from road grit.  
Feeling the need to rush the last of their clothes had the opposite effect, and the undershirts clung as they tried to remove too many at once. Forcing them to be patient and strip each layer slowly. They had five on today, two more than usual to ward off the cold. The three they normally donned were over tight and in place of a brassiere. As each layer came off they could feel the pain compression had been hiding, and causing. They tried not to look at themself, and set about washing.  
'Clean skin, clean slate.' That was what they wanted to believe, although like everything they said to themself when undressed, it had the taste of lies. They tried again.  
'Tomorrow might not be better, but tomorrow will be different. You can't yet know what tomorrow will bring.' And that at least couldn't help but be true. 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was playing with Qunlat to make the Vashoth names  
> Issaban meaning: Ocean - literally the combo of the words Masterful-sea  
> Tiva meaning: River, Ti [water] Eva [Start], there isn't an official word for water so I took a root from Tic=Cold, which could be Cold/Wet  
> \---
> 
> If you see any spelling/grammar errors, please feel free to let me know!  
> Gentle suggestions and constructive criticism are welcome! ^__^


	2. Voicing the Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassandra confronts the Inquisitor about something, the conversation doesn't end how she expected it to. Hallow doesn't know how to feel about what they accidentally admit.  
> (Altered the of path of game dialogue, it uses 2 lines, then veers sideways.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure exactly how to warn this, but trying  
> Content Warning! conflict in friendship, gender related disassociation, intense emotional reactions
> 
> Plans for Hallow I have: Ideally I'd like them to not see all things that refer to them as scary and awful and become pronoun indifferent. But getting comfortable with their gender and body will need to happen first.  
> And I may keep writing with "they" because it's good and neutral, and I need more practice with it.

***

  
The sunlight catches Hallow by surprise as they walk out of the quarter masters makeshift office, it had been just before dawn when they went to check supply lists. Had it truly taken so long?  
Spring weather had been mostly dreary and bleak that year, the clear sky and unimpeded sunshine was a pleasure they hadn't expected this morning. Right this moment they feel as bright and light as the day itself. Turning they all but bounce up the stairs, walking with new-found energy to the ramparts ledge.

A dizzying array of colours spilled over the landscape beyond the wall, the soft scent of the wild flowers drifting up. If they didn't know better they'd swear they were dreaming. Such wonders had rarely been Hallow's own to behold outside of the fade. Perhaps some of them could live out of season inside Skyhold, they'd have to ask Helisma about it, she had been studying the local plants after all.

Leaning against the stone Hallow turned their face toward the sun, welcoming the warmth which spilled onto their skin even as mountain winds whistled by.  
The sound of a door further up the ramparts draws their attention as it creaks open. Cassandra emerges, pausing in the doorway. Then she must spot Hallow, for she begins heading in their direction.  
The seeker is often helpful, and despite their ideological differences, Hallow has come to trust her opinion and considers themself her friend. They admire her strength and have told her so. They find that Cassandra, like Dorian, rather is easy to admire in many ways, not the least of which when she trains. All unwavering focus and unbridled intensity; Cassandra might not like the thought, but it was Hallow's personal opinion that she would have made an excellent mage.

Hallow smiles across the distance between them, waiting for Cassandra to reach their side. Their smile fades as they take in her long strides, moving as if she were in battle closing on an enemy.  
The determined set to her jaw further confirms her mood, as she crosses out of the tower's shadow into the harsh glare of the sharp spring sun, the seekers face retains the shadows.  
A wave of cold anxiety creeps over Hallow, and they are suddenly sure this is unlikely to be a friendly chat.

"Inquisitor, a word." Cassandra's voice is crisp and clear as the air, eyes sharply scanning the area as she speaks. Every aspect of her demeanor Hallow notices is a yet more obvious tell that something is bothering her.  
"Yes?" Hallow moves both hands behind their back clasping palm over wrist to keep still and hide nervous fidgets.  
Cassandra tenses, bringing her eyes back to Hallow before she speaks.  
"I wanted to talk to you about- I, um..." Unexpectedly Cassandra's composure breaks and she falters, breaking eye contact, a flush rising quickly up her cheeks. Inwardly Hallow startles, quickly restraining the urge to reach out and comfort their friend, they keep their voice even and encouraging.  
"I'm listening."  
"You-- ah. I am not good at this. It's, the flirting, Inquisitor. Unless I am imagining it-- which is possible."  
She pauses awkwardly, and Hallow feels guilty for putting her in this position, but grateful this is conversation is about a less dire topic than expected. This, at least, might be fixable.

They do like Cassandra, and evidently they have been more obvious about it than they realised, but as a mage they know the value in reigning themself in. Hallow would much rather Cassandra feel secure knowing they expect nothing more. Friendship in Hallow's experience is precious and rare, more so when combined with reliability and trust.  
"I'm sorry. Please believe I meant it kindly, but I'll stop. And I regret that I made you uncomfortable."  
"Truly, I take it as a compliment. But, you are the Herald of Andraste, my leader, and a woman. I--"  
The emphasis she had put on the word woman spurred something in Hallow; impulsively they blurted out what felt like the truth.  
"I'm not a woman."

Cassandra stopped short, eyebrows raising to her hairline, her face coloured as she gaped clearly unsure what to say, then closed her mouth with a snap.  
There was a long pause where neither seemed to know how to stand comfortably before Cassandra spoke again.  
"Oh. You... I assumed. You do dress like a man, but I didn't realise... You are..."  
Cassandra trailed off uncertainly as she watched Hallow shake their head. They had the feeling they should not have said anything. Freeing as it may have felt in the moment they had made an even bigger mess of an already messy conversation.

Yet they couldn't leave Cassandra's implicit question hanging in the air, it was too much like lying to her, and the least they could do is try to be honest.  
"I'm not a man either. It's complicated, you couldn't have known. I sincerely apologise Cassandra, in truth I shouldn't have brought it up. Especially not right now. I hope-- I hope, that we can still be friends?"  
At this Cassandra visibly softened and reached out, putting her hand on Hallow's shoulder.  
"Yes. We are friends. And, when you can, I would listen if you explained to me."

Hearing that meant more than they could voice so they simply smiled and bowed their head in gratitude, feeling their voice tighten as they held back tears.  
"Thank you Cassandra... I should go attend to some papers Josie needed, but, we'll talk later."  
Cassandra let her hand fall aside, and Hallow raised their eyes to give her a small smile which Cassandra, to her credit, attempted to return, despite it being obvious that she was unused to smiling.  
"Of course, Inquisitor."

Hallow walked away gingerly toward their room, keeping their eyes ahead and on nothing in particular.  
'What was that? Am I really not? Not either? Is that even possible? Or did I say that because I got stressed out?'  
They had never directly said it out loud before, but there had been a solid feeling to the admission, freeing in its certainty. Now afterwards it felt like freefall, and they couldn't see the bottom. The more they questioned themself, the more they felt increasingly disconnected. The feeling of certainty was gone, and no clear cut answer presented itself.  
The genders other people were a mystery to them, an elaborate dance they didn't know the steps to. Many seemed as ornate and farcical as Orlesian pageantry, and yet also were clearly true for those other people. Hallow felt alone, and confused in a way they didn't have words for.  
The world around them felt blurry and even as they could feel their own foot falls and touch the cold stone of hallways, it somehow felt unreal.  
Once in the seclusion of their room they sunk down against the wall, the stairwell echoed the whump of their weight hitting the floor. It reverberated through their mind in a loop, a loud sound in an empty room.  
An overwhelming urge to cry rose up and they let themself fall into it, shaking in anguish, weeping without knowing why.  
Lost in a fog of painful but nebulous emotions with no obvious source or solution, no goal, there was nothing for them to do but hope they felt better after the tears dried.

Midday came and went, in between sobbing Hallow had spent the day watching the rosegold light spill across their carpet and then fade out to afternoon shadows. Feeling more than a small amount of gratitude that this was supposed to be their day off, they shifted, at last restless and empty of whatever drove the tears.  
Aches and fatigue pervaded their perception in response to the movement. Which was their own fault really, they had barely moved in hours, rising only once to use the chamber pot, returning to the safety and self imposed punishment of sitting against the far wall.  
Hallow stood and stretched, wanting to rest properly and knowing it wasn't possible just now. They sighed in resignation.

Uncomfortable as the world might feel while awake, they were still a mage and in this state they were demon-bait. Sleeping was a cost-benefit analysis for them, as for any mage, and at the moment it was not worth the risk of whatever respite or rejuvenation it might hold.  
Instead, they crossed to their desk and sat down to actually do the promised pile of paperwork. Perhaps enough mundanity could paper over their emotions and make them safe enough to be able to sleep tonight.  
At the very least Josephine would be pleased with them for making her life easier. 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See spelling/grammar errors? Have constructive criticism or suggestions?  
> I welcome them! (Just be gentle, please)
> 
> Speaking of suggestions!  
> Don't know who to ship Hallow with, so readers are welcomed to suggest Pairings.  
> Hallow is starting our story in the awkward spot of crushing on both people who only like men. But they are not a man, and they don't want to be.  
> Now that Cassandra has veered them away from romantic inclinations, Dorian might be next up to drop a rock on their romantic hopes. 
> 
> (I don't know why the other note keeps appearing on this chapter instead of just where it's supposed to on the first chapter?)

**Author's Note:**

> So I was playing with Qunlat to make the Vashoth names  
> Issaban meaning: Ocean - literally the combo of the words Masterful-sea  
> Tiva meaning: River, Ti [water] Eva [Start], there isn't an official word for water so I took a root from Tic=Cold, which could be Cold/Wet  
> \--- 
> 
> If you see any spelling/grammar errors, please feel free to let me know!  
> Gentle suggestions and constructive criticism are welcome! ^__^


End file.
